How to deal with children
The baby-sitter's handbook
by Jeremiah

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      Today we will be learning the basics of childcare. I know you're thinking I know nothing, but what's so unusual about that? Did Aristotle test his theories!? No, he didn't, and he's still famous 2500 years later... so what's it gonna be? Right or famous? But enough about that, let's learn about childcare. By the time you have read this you will be able to proclaim yourself greatly well versed in the art of not knowing what you're doing.

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Descriptions...

Children 1-2

      Give them a bottle. Sing them a song. Give them loving attention. Put them to bed.... ya, like that works.


Children 3-6

      The most important thing you need to remember for this age group is that these are little people, not animals. This age group is very similar to the 13-17 age group in that they like to eat, yell, and run around chasing things. Shiny things fascinate them. They like to taste everything they see. Something as simple as a telephone can fascinate them for hours.


Children 7-12

      This is the age group where the little boys' and girls' begin acting as such. The little girls enjoy playing with Barbies and make the decision that they want to look just like her when they grow up; the little boys keep themselves entertained by bugging the little girls playing with the Barbies. Their defining characteristics start showing up around these ages. Johnny was never disciplined; it's starting to show. Marie was never told no; forget about her going to bed on time. Joe never listened; why should he start now?

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What Do I DO!?

      With their age groups in mind, you can use your own creativity to come up with games or time-wasting activities for them to do, however, most baby-sitters aren't exactly rocket scientists. Not to say that baby-sitters are stupid, but really, if you were as smart as a rocket scientist, you wouldn't be baby-sitting, would you? Here's some suggestions:


Hide & [don't] Seek

      There are so many ways to play this game that the variety just never seems to stop. If it's your turn to hide you can tell the little rebel to leave the room, close their eyes, and count to 3 trillion. Once they can't count any higher they'll come back in; you'll be in the same spot as when they left. Give an absolutely astonished look and say something around the lines of, "You found me! Gee, I thought my chameleon suit was working better than this. Bet you can't find me again!" If it's your turn to seek, you can tell the child to go hide. After this point, you *could* just not find them, but I never like to promote cruelty. I suggest something a little nicer. You don't have to go looking for them or anything; not really anyway. When they've finished hiding, yell, "I bet you're in the kitchen under the table." You'll most likely hear a little, "I bet I'm not!" Keep naming off random places and follow the little voice. When you know you're close, just say, "Okay, I'm gonna come find you then!" Granted, it is a little harder to seek than hide, but keep in mind that after you've found them it's now your turn to 'hide' again. Follow the method up above...


Betcha Can't Get Out....

      Kinda like cops and robbers with a realistic twist. For the future car thieves, cuff 'em to the banister to see if they can get out. For the future law-enforcement men, get out the rope, pretend you're the bad guy who just robbed the bank, tie them up, and (as always) put the cloth around their mouth so they can't yell. Though this may seem cruel, they'll love every second of it. My younger brother begged me to do this quite frequently when he was young. He always liked to escape and tell me how lousy my knot-tying ability was.


**You may have noticed that so far these activities have pretty much applied to boys. Why? Wellll, in my opinion I'd say boys are just a little harder to take care of than girls. What gives me a right to say that? Probably the fact that I am one.**


And One and Two and One and.....

      They say obesity is up, that's because of all the Twinkies kids are eating these days. You should do your duty to help out by bringing an exercise video, but not just any exercise video. Bring something like Richard Simmons, losing weight to tunes of the 60's; it's like Barney, only different. He offers hope to the hopeless and encourages them to lose weight at the same time. The most positive part about his videos are that the people are realistic. As long as you look thinner than they do, you're doing great. The children will see it as entertainment, so I would suggest bringing some Twinkies and making a night of it. Another plus is that when their little mouths are filled with Twinkies, it becomes much more difficult for them to make noise.


SHHH!

      Have a quiet contest. Whoever can go the longest without yelling, or talking, or screaming, or kicking, or fighting gets a big payload, like a dime or quarter or something. This game keys in on their competitiveness. Even though it isn't much money, they'll keep quiet just so the other person won't get the prize, because the person who won would flaunt it in there face for the rest of the night. So, naturally, neither child will give in for a long time.


If all else fails.....

      Sometimes, there are children who are just plain impossible. They won't do anything you ask, they scream, they fight, and they play nasty little jokes on other people, like you, the baby-sitter. You could tell them they have to go scrub their toilet, but then again, they don't listen to you anyway. I suggest something a little different. After they give one of their resounding "NO!!!'s" just quietly leave the room and sit down somewhere. Think of something really, really sad and do your best to cry. If there is one thing that younger children can't stand it is crying baby-sitters, particularly if it's their fault (this method is especially useful for guys).


Storytime.....

      You may think I'm an unkind person. You may think I don't like kids. That's not true at all. I merely know what they're like, because I was one of them once not long ago. Once upon a time, when I was about 6, my parents left me at home with a baby-sitter. All the normal sitters had stuff they had to do, so Mom tried someone new. She was a 7th grader with a nightmare-ish personality. Perhaps I couldn't clearly distinguish things because I was only six, but I was able to tell she was going through a bad-egg stage. She was mean to me all day, and then I got nasty back. She sent me to my room upstairs. I was pretty angry. There was this vent thing that led to the kitchen, and I shredded up a bunch of paper and through it down the vent and it all fluttered throughout the kitchen. This action made her very angry; angry enough to call her mother. I remember her mother drove to our house to give me a lecture, after that my memory grows foggy. I finally went to my grandma's house either because I couldn't stand her, or she couldn't stand me, and that ended that. I saw her a year later at some school function thing. She was taking care of children in a nursery (I was abhorred at the thought), and she was vehement enough to squirt milk from a baby bottle all over me in front of a bunch of adults, not to mention all the impressionable young children. The End. Does this story have a moral? Yes, it does, actually. It shows there are exceptions to the rule; normally baby-sitters are nice. It shows that even nice people can have bad days; just take a look at me. Finally, it shows that this baby-sitter was not prepared to handle children; she didn't use a single one of my almost-guaranteed techniques.


The End is Near.....

      In conclusion, I would like to say this: baby-sitting can be one of the most enjoyable and rewarding jobs, or it can be one of those terrible experiences you try to blot out of your memory. I hope that the children you watch are little angels, but if they aren't, you have my handbook.

Here ends the How To for this time. Please write and give any ideas, suggestions, compliments, annnything! ajebraincandy@hotmail.com