"Safely" dehorning your buffalo
One of Jeremiah's step-by-step guides...

 

      Before we begin, you do need a buffalo with horns before it is possible to begin the dehorning process. You also need some sort of dehorning setup. You have two choices: A. You can go out and buy REALLY safe, REALLY expensive equipment, or B. You can use make-shift tools, risk you life, and save a lot of money in the process. Since B is the more economical decision I will explain how to "safely" dehorn your buffalo using step B. Next, you have to tackle the job of getting someone crazy enough to help you dehorn your buffalo. After you have your hired help and your tools are ready, you can get started. While you are dehorning the buffalo, remember, NEVER compromise YOUR safety. Now, send in your hired help to chase up the buffalo into an enclosed area. You could tranquilize the buffalo, but we all know that that would be probably just be a waste of hard-earned money. You could also take the time to observe the buffalo to see how exactly you are going to restrain it safely, but we all also know that time is money. So all you thrifty people out there might as well skip the last two steps. Assuming you have some sort of chute, chase the buffalo from the enclosed area into the chute, have the hired help slam the headgate, then run for your lives in case the enraged buffalo breaks the chute apart. Now lets review, your hired help chases the buffalo into the enclosed area, you chase the buffalo into the chute, your hired help slams the headgate, and you both run away. Got it? Good. Hopefully, the buffalo didn't break your chute into a mangled metal mess, but if it did, I would STRONGLY suggest not to continue until you have the buffalo restrained in some manner. Now comes the diffucult part: The hired help needs to hold the buffalo's head still by either holding onto the buffalo's head, or holding onto a rope that is tied onto the buffalo's head. Whichever method your hired help prefers should be ok. While your hired help is being mercilessly flung about in the air, you should be beginning preperations to saw off the buffalo's horns. You have two choices: A. Use a hacksaw, or B. Use an electric board-cutting saw. *Note: If you choose to use an electric saw please be sure not slip and accidentally cut off your employee's arm.* After choosing which method of sawing is appropriate for you, start the dehorning the buffalo. Try to work as quickly as possible. If the buffalo didn't break your chute apart before, it probably will now. There. You have successfully dehorned your buffalo. Congratulations. Jeremiah's buffalo notes: I'm sure you're wondering: Why can't we just leave our happy, healthy, horned buffalo in their natural state? Well, that's fine with me. I just hope I don't read about you being turned into a shciscibob on the end of a buffalo's horns in the paper. I am not responsible for any injury done to you, your buffalo, or especially to your hired help after following my step by step instructions.