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Camping...
How to survive your stay in the wilderness.
Ok,
let's pretend you are a first time camper going deep into
the middle of nowhere to spend a fun-filled vacation weekend
appreciating "nature". You have just unpacked your tent along
with a few other meager belongings only to realize that this
is going to be anything but a vacation. There is no bathroom,
no running water, no visible food (Besides the occasional
scurrying mouse or chirping bird.), no phone, no internet,
no electricity, and (most devastingly) NO TV!! This won't
be leisure, but survival. Like any intelligent individual,
you decide that camping just isn't your cup of tea and decide
to head home, but unfortunately (for you, that is), a cheery
woodland creature found it's way into the hood of your car
and ate all the delectable rubber inside. A normal person
would either starve, go crazy, be eaten by a hungry grizzly,
or be sucked dry by hordes of avaricious mosquitoes. A smart
person like you would have gone to the webspectacular page,
read my Camping survival guide, and although he may still
go crazy, he would learn to adapt and live like a regular
Robinson Crusoe for the rest of his life. Today I will help
you look at your bleak situation in a whole new light. That
polluted, bubbling brook over the hill? Running water. What
about that swarm of angry bees speeding towards you? Where
there are bees, there is honey. That rumbling noise from the
approaching thunderstorm? Eureka! Electricity. See how much
more hopeful the situation becomes after looking at it differently?
Your very first priority would be food. Go grab your pole
and start fishing for supper in the nice stream. If you do
not have a pole, remember the possibilities of improvision.
Have you ever noticed how much your finger looks like a worm?
Go get em! Oh, while fishing, do watch out for carnivorous
fish. Our objective here is to eat, not be eaten. After you
have waited several hours... or days... or weeks, you should
have caught a fish. If you did not, analyze the situation
and try something else. By now, the grass is probably looking
appetizing. Hey, after all, it's good enough for the cows
isn't it? And besides, even if you did catch a fish, could
you really bring yourself to kill the innocent creature? You
can find better things to eat then that. Like grass. Now that
we have the food situation taken care of, our next matter
of importance would be to find sleeping quarters. You could
sleep in your tent. That is, if you ever figured out how to
put it together. You could sleep in a tree. That is,
if you didn't plummet 20+ feet to your abrupt awakening (or
death), if you didn't get bitten by ticks, or if you didn't
get eaten alive by rabid squirrels. You could sleep
in your car, if you didn't mind sharing it with all those
cheery woodland creatures. You could even sleep on
the ground, if you wanted to risk the chance of being eaten
by a hungry grizzly bear. The sad truth is, you can't really
sleep safely in the woods. So sleeping was a thing of your
past. Don't worry, it's not that big of a deal. Another matter
of concern is protection from wild animals. Now I will give
you the proper procedures of escape from a variety of animals
found in a forest environment.
How to escape from bees: Run!
How to escape from a bear: Run!
How to escape from the man eating lion that got away from
the zoo last year: Run really fast!
How to escape from an opposum: Play dead!
This draws the how to section for this month to a close. Heed
my warnings. If you do not, when you find yourself in this
situation, you will remorsefully sigh: If I had only listened
to Jeremiah....
Please
note: This how to composition is not attempting to make camping
look bad, dangerous, or unfun. This composition does not reflect
any views other than the incoherent, incessant ramblings of
the proprieter of the webspectacular page, Jeremiah. The situation
used for demonstration will probably not happen to you, but
hey, I was trying to be optimistic. Thank you and have fun
on your next camping trip. One word of warning though: WATCH
OUT FOR THOSE CHEERY WOODLAND CREATURES!!!!!
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