Driving for Dummies

A comprehensive guide to driving difficulties for the typical intellectually challenged individual.

Foreword..

      This time, the "how to" has taken on a different form. This 'how to' is for all of you out there who don't know beans about driving, for all of you who just keep forgetting *why* you're supposed to stop for a red light, and for all who didn't quite have the stamina to pass the driver's test until the 29th time through. This magnificent piece of literature is a driving instructional written by the incompetent, for the incompetent.

What is a car?

      A car is a motorized vehicle that takes you to your predetermined or indeterminate destinatory mark. A car uses gasoline, which runs the engine, which allows you to travel. The engine is started by turning the ignition switch located in the interior of the car. Other critical operational devices in the car's interior are the accellerator pedal, the steering column, the brake pedal, the shifting mechanism, and many other components. Understand so far? Although I do not want to insult your intelligence, I must keep in mind this is Driving for Dummies. So in simpler terms, a car is something that goes vroom vroom, and takes you places you may or may not want to go. You need only move magic stick to the shape of bald man's head laying on side, stomp go-go metal pedal, and, most importantly, move the little round thing to turn on boom boom noisemakers.

Three scenerios for the Farmer Driver...

You must be from Iowa...

      You're a country bumpkin. You've driven tractors since you were three, and your dad gave you a brand new 1952 pickup when you were five. As dirt roads started getting replaced by harder stuff, you noticed that the prezdent must have proposed one of them there raduced bugdit plans. Why else couldn't they afford to paint the whole road yella. I mean, they couldn't even afford to paint a solid line, let alone hire good enough painters that could paint a straight line. Sometimes there's paint on one side of the splotches, and other times there's paint on the other side. You didn't even know what the lines were for, but with your natural reasnen skills, you figgered it was sumthin' for them there drinkin drivers to help them stay in the middle of the road. You grumbled to yourself and reckoned if the line was straight enough for them booze-boys, it'd be straight enough for you. You were a good driver. You followed the line and never strayed. Why then, did other drivers honk and swerve off the road when you followed the lines so carefully? To put it in hick terminology, you're sposed to drive on the side of the road by your right hand. Which one is right? Well, your left hand is the one that left your arm in that sickle accident back in '62. Your right hand would, in your case, be the only one left. Understand?

Lock Yerself Out Again?

      Sometimes, we get in a hurry. When we are in a hurry, we do absent-minded things. Things like locking keys in the vehicle... To get into the car you can take some wire out of your overalls, stick it down where the window meets the door and spend hours trying to pick the lock, or you could break the window. Since it's against our nature to break our own window, here's some justification: ever hear child psychiatrists advising kids to punch a pillow when they're angry? Well, we're doing the same thing, breaking a window.
      Sometimes, we tend to get in a really big hurry. After you broke the window, you may have noticed that the layout in your car was drastically different than when you left it the last time. If this is the case, you may have experienced a break-in. Hey! What happened to the trash that was on the floor when you left?! Those critter-infested dice weren't hanging from the mirror! Come to think of it, you didn't leave a wad of 20$ bills stuffed in the ash tray either. Now is the time you may want to check one more thing - if the car is actually yours. That metallic, new, Z28 Camaro with the 400 cu. in. engine that you've been trying to get into might not be yours. Your vehicle is probably the junked up chevy truck sitting right beside it. Ya. The one with with weeds growing in the back. I would suggest stepping away from the car.... quickly. Check your Chevy door. Yup. Unlocked as usual.

Why Do They Honk?.....

      You're not used to driving in the city. You have your reasons, the cities full 'o citters and if the citters are in the city you fancy you don't want to be there. And everyone always honks. You don't know if they do it to say hi, or if they don't like your car paint, or what. It especially happens when you get around those lights. Ya, the ones that they made to save money on holidays. There the lights commemorating Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, and the first day of summer all in the same box. The only thing is that even with all of our tax dollars the lights still don't work right, they switch colors constantly. And the pile-ups around them things are larger than your prize bull. Almost every single time you go through where those lights are you see a dozen cars or so plugging up traffic. All honking and waving their hands like chickens after they get their head removed. You probably didn't think of it, but in farmer-language the three lights mean three different things. Green means that everyone can go through, even Greenhorns. Yellow means that everyone can go through except for them skeered yella-bellied sapsuckers. Red means that everyone should stop except for the radical run-aways, who must go through or be stopped by cops.

Conclusion...

      There you have it - three scenerios for the typical intellectually challenged driver. Learn from the farmer and remember them well. Drive safely, look out for turtles crossing the road, and watch for those all-in-one holiday lights.

Here ends the How To for this time. Please write and give any ideas, suggestions, compliments, annnything! ajebraincandy@hotmail.com