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How
To Repair Your PC
Yet another one of Jeremiah's "successful" step by step
guides
This
tutorial has been written by a person like you, for you.
The best part of this tutorial is that you don't have
to be a rocket scientist to use my successful techniques.
This step by step process can be done by anyone, no matter
what your IQ is. I mean, the whole reason for buying a
computer in the first place is for it to do your thinking
for you, right? Before we begin repairing your personal
computer, I have a few notes that you should take to heart.
If at any point in my repairing tutorial, you feel uneasy
about what I'm telling you to do, please remember that
I have written this from personal experience. Really.
Besides, if your computer is already broken it's not like
we can make it worse. Theoretically speaking, that is.
Please follow this imperitive suggestion above all else.
KEEP THE COMPUTER AWAY FROM THE POWER SOURCE. It's no
fun getting fried. Believe me, I've been there. Secondly,
if at any time you see sparks or smell smoke, I would
highly reccommend that you turn the computer off. Letting
sparks fly may be hazardous to your health, house, and
computer. After the smoke clears, make sure you didn't
do anything wrong while following my tutorial(like skipping
a step?). Finally, do not try this tutorial on anyone
else's computer. If you do, I am in no way responsible
for lawsuits filed against you. Ok, now that we have observed
these words of wisdom, let's roll up our sleeves and get
started shall we?
The first step would be to take off the cover of the computer
and dig in. I don't think it really matters how you get
if off, but I guess you could take it off using
the civilized method of undoing the screws if you want
to be Miss Prim and Proper. But we all now it would be
more superhero-like to rip it off with your bare hands.
Now that we tore off the cover we can get at all those
fragile parts inside. Heh heh heh. Let's take out your
processor and give it a look. Look at the pins on the
bottom. If there aren't any bent or missing you can either
shove it back in or set it aside for future reference.
At least we now know that your processor isn't[wasn't]
the part that's causing you trouble and anxiety. Now why
don't we try taking out your clock battery.
Note: You'll have to most likely pull
out a cord or two to get at the battery.
I'm not quite sure what taking the battery out would do,
but I figure it can't hurt anything can it? After the
battery is out, put it back in. Now take out your handy
dandy sledgehammer and and start pounding on the computer
as hard as you can (It relieves some of the stress and
pain it caused you). WAIT!! That step shouldn't be there.
It's from how to break your pc. Could we skip this step?
If I was too late to stop you from following this step,
skip to section 35423, article 35.4. Let's go on. Assuming
you didn't pound your computer into a silicon pulp, take
off all the cords for the A, B, C, and D drives. BE
EXTREMELY CAUTIOUS WHILE TAKING OUT THESE DRIVES!! Once
you have your A, B, C, and D drives out successfully,
give them a look over for any of the usual abnormal signs.
Once you can verify that they are A-OK, give them a hearty
shake to make sure there aren't any lose parts inside,
and then toss them aside. If you still haven't found anything
wrong we will take out the motherboard. Take it out carefully,
and if you don't see anything unusual why don't we put
it back in the computer. I'm not sure about you, but I
always get nervous while handling expensive parts...
Unfortunately, I have just noticed that I have exceeded
the time allotment given to me to complete this informational
guide. In other words, I ran out of time to write this.
Don't worry, I'm not the kind of guy that would leave
you hanging. I'll be back next month with the conclusion
of how to repair your pc.
On second thought, my lawyer suggested that I should avoid
legal complications and just finish it up this month.
Moving on, the next logical step would be to....to...
umm.... well we....uh we could disassemble umm.. the fan.
Maybe for some reason it stopped working, maybe. Aww forget
it. You'll probably just make things worse. Maybe you're
smarter than you think and fixed your computer without
knowing it. Why don't we put everything back together
now. Don't throw away the leftover pieces, chances are
they are needed to make your computer work properly. If
you can't for the life of you figure out where those extra
pieces go, just throw them in and start praying that the
some how find their places. Now we can finally put the
case back on.
Note:The casing is easier to put on if
you didn't rip it off like I suggested. Heh heh. Us learned
proffesionals aren't always right.
Now plug in the computer and flip the switch. If your
computer starts up normally, give yourself a pat on the
back, you have successfully repaired your computer.
RE-EVALUATING
THE SITUATION (what did we do wrong?)
If you hear something that sounds like ZZZzzzZZZZzz!!!!!,
turn the computer off. If you smell something like burning
plastic, turn the computer off. If you see sparks, turn
the computer off. If you see your
life flash before your eyes, hear a loud noise, and see
bright light, it may be too late to shut off your computer.
What
to do from here (if all else fails)
If
you cannot seem to figure out how to fix your computer
you still have a few options left. Make sure you use the
checklist if your computer still isn't functioning properly.
You can:
A. Take your computer to someone that knows what they're
doing.
B. Try doing this tutorial over.
C. Swap your computer with the one at work and tell your
boss you don't appreciate using low-quality equipment.
D. Think of your computer as a really expensive storage
box.
E. Donate it to Goodwill
F. Buy my real "How to fix your computer book". (it's
only $39.95)
G. Buy PC's for dummies.
Checklist
Did
you remember to:
Take note of where all those cords go? Yes No
Plug it back in? Yes No
Properly ground yourself? Yes No
Not spill liquids in it? Yes No
Walk the dog? Yes No
Before you took your computer apart did you try:
Making sure you didn't just forget to turn the monitor
on? Yes No
Turning it on? Yes No
Downgrading from Windows 98? Yes No
Checking to see if your warranty was still valid? Yes
No
Making sure you wouldn't violate your warranty by taking
your computer apart? Yes No
Do you have:
Insurance? Yes No
A spare computer? Yes No
Your life's work off your computer? Yes No
Someone to blame? Yes No
A buffalo that needs dehorned?(see last month) Yes No
You should have answered yes to 99.9% the preceding questions.
If you still haven't fixed your computer, consider quitting
while you're not ahead. I think your computer is a lost
cause by now.
Check
out more of Jeremiah's critically unacclaimed how to
books.
How
to repair your:
Dishwasher
TV set
Car
Refridgerator
Power Lines
Trees
Short Circuits
Live Wires
Fire Hydrant
Sattelite Dish
Cow
Nuclear Power Plant (discontinued)
CD Player
House
Ect.....
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