Cannibals in the Military.

      Welcome. Today we will be discussing the quite controversial subject of cannibals being allowed into the military. Is it right? Is it wrong? Is it just plain irrelevant to everything? Well, that's what we're going to find out. To discuss the topic we have two guests: Dave Grumpkin and Mike Milk. Dave Grumpkin is a seargant, and the leading supporter of the cannibal cause. Mike Milk is a Senator from Marolina, who is pushing for a bill to keep cannibals out of the military.

B.C. News Dude: Hello.
Dave & Mike: Hello.

News Dude: We'll begin by hearing your side first, Mike. What do you have to say about cannibals in the military?

Mike: Well, I'll tell ya. It just ain't right. Remember the McKinly incident? Ya, I'm trying to forget it too, but the truth is this wasn't just a rare thing. These things can and will continue to happen if we don'-
Dave: Come on! That's just not true. Almost all of our cannibals are upstanding soldiers. If they are a cannibal, we merely ask them not to share that. McKinley was just one of them who wasn't quite right in the noggin. There's normal people who are crazy too, ya know. Who can forget John Doe!
Mike: Who!?
Dave: Exactly. This sort of thing is so common in normal society that no one even remembers. Cannibals are normal too, in their own way.

News Dude: Ok, I know that your opinion is biased, but why do you feel cannibals have a right in the army, Mr. Grumpkin?

Dave: Who am I to say that a neighbor, a friend, a fellow American citizen cannot serve and protect their country? Who is anyone to say!? Personally, I say that people don't like them just because of their characterizing nose-rings. I mean-
Mike: -It's unethical!! They're eating people! They go for the smorgasbord not the servitude! You haven't ever seen it happen have you!?

Dave: Seen what!?

Mike: I hear of it day after day - the shuddering stories told by soldier after soldier, that is, if they're still around to tell-
NewsDude: Could you please elaborate? You must admit, we've heard nothing of the sort before; this all sounds as far out as a scandal in the White House.

Mike: Granted, it may be hard to believe, but it's even harder to listen to. Time after time, a new soldier comes in. Most often a well-built, well-fed lad. The cannibals have their own cliche. They inconspicuously surround the poor lad, and one casually approaches him. The cannibal appears eager to help and offers his assistance to the newcomer. He makes friendly conversation and asks where he's from, what kind of climate he was brought up in, and (finally) what his diet consists of. At this last remark the newcomer breaks out in a nervous sweat; he looks around for assistance, but finds none. He thought he was perfectly safe because he was surrounded by people. Unfortunately, he didn't notice their distinctive nose rings; not until it was too late.

Dave: Well, we've all heard of isolated inciden-
Mike: Isolated incidents!?!?!? That was one of our army men, general! Incidents my foot! Haha. Foot! Get it? Haha. Hahahah-
Dave: That's enough. Put 'em up or you'll feel it in the morning. I'll put up with an awful lot, but lame jokes are where I draw the line.

Mike: Oh no officer. I'm merely trying to prove my point. Besides, I'm not the fighting type-#SMACK#-

NewsDude: Uh, fellas. Let's uh-Ouch, that's gotta hurt.-can we -#THUNK#- maybe settle this -#KLUNK#- peacefully? We are on the record here.

Dave: I'll show you Mr. Milk! Did you really think I didn't know about the cannibals? I am one! HAHAHA! I thought you looked good from the start!--Muhahaha-

NewsDude: SECURITY! SECURITY!

With this, a few burly officers come drag both interviewees off of the set.

NewsDude: I think I'm going to be sick, but let's get our next guest in here.

Proclaimed Cannibal: Hello, Newsdude.

NewsDude: Soo, what would you like to share with us?

Proclaimed Cannibal: Well, I just wanted to come in today and speak up for cannibals everywhere. My name is Proclaimed Cannibal, but people call me Canni for short.

NewsDude: Okay, Canni, this whole cannibal thing is a very controversial subject. There are the people who say that this is wrong, unethical, sick, unnatural, etc. Then there are people like you. Why don't you just change your diet and eat something like, uh, cows or pigs or something.

Canni: I realize that I'm not liked by some people because of my practices, but I can't help it. We cannibals were born like this. We can't help it; it's in our genetic make-up. The research backs it up. A recent Harvard study showed that cannibals have a stomach that is .000000002% more suited to human meat. You see, it's the fate of nature for us to be this way. I realize I could fit in and be normal, but that's not the way it was meant to be. As far as the cows and pigs go.. well, I abstain from that area because of my beliefs in reincarnation. I might have to come back as a (*shudder*) sponge or something terrible like that and eat microspopic organisms.

NewsDude: What is your opinion of cannibals in the military?

Canni: Well, I'll be honest with you. The work is hard, the pay is poor, but the food is great. Speaking of food, I am really craving some McDonald right now. Man-

NewsDude: McDonalds? I thought you didn't eat cows or-

Canni: No no! McDonalD, Ben McDonald.

NewsDude: Oh, sick, oh, oh, I think I'm gonna, oh... sick.

Canni: By the way, where do you live?

NewsDude: Topika..oh, oh.. sick.

Canni: Sorry if I offended you. What climate is that again?

NewsDude: Temperate.

Canni: Oh, that's nice. What is your diet like?

NewsDude: It's.. uh- diet?! SECUUURITY!! (*Canni gives a malicious smile*) SECURITY! Get RID of HIM you GUYS! Why don't you come!? You're all standing right here! Hey, wait a sec. How long have you had nose-rings?....... HELLP!

     Thus ends the news tonight. The BC NewsDude did make it; he is recovering at the hospital. He says that this story was too sick from the start and if he ever has to do something like this again he's sueing... big time. Next time we're going to do something quite a bit tamer, like the plan we uncovered on how Microsoft was planning to take over the world on 1-1-00 and why it failed. All that, next time... Feel free to send some flowers or something to the NewsDude; his room number is 134.