Campaign Speech #2:

Jeremiah For President Why vote for them.... when there's me?

Today boys and girls, we will be bashing the other candidates. Let's study the life of John McCormick. I have heard many shocking facts from reliable sources regarding John. Let's begin with his early childhood.
John was a disturbed child from day one. His mother said he screamed and cried 8 hours a day after he was born. Would you really want to vote for someone like that? Didn't think so, but it doesn't stop there. Two years old- he actually hit his younger sister. A few weeks later he was seen drooling in the face of a stranger. Let's move on to grade school. John was mean. He hogged the ball and never let the other team win. He spilt milk on his principle! At home he was frequently caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar before supper. This dishonesty and rebelry seems to have passed into his teen years and beyond. He has been given over 14 speeding tickets during his lifetime. He was suspected of breaking a widowed hermit's picture window. She was recorded saying: "I just know it was that John. He was always such a naughty little boy. Always running down the sidewalk, splashing in the puddles with that dirty little Dan. Who else would have done such?"
His family has a history of crime. His aunt was caught making still-whiskey in 1901. His uncle-in-law was jailed for jaywalking, among other serious offenses. His father underhandedly used his position as pitcher in a baseball game to maliciously knock out the first-baseman on his own team. I tell you citizens, this problem is clearly genetic.
Yet, there may be some of you out there who would still consider voting for this man. To you, friends, I ask this: Would you elect Saddom Hussein to office!? Would you give Hitler, Mussolini, or Lenin the keys to presidency!? Then how, friends, could you possibly vote this fiend into command over the United States of America!?
Now I would like to speak to you citizens out there who would overlook his problems and complete lack of character in hopes that even though he may not be one of the good guys, he'll still have good policies and do good things for America. I would now like to shatter this belief by taking a good, hard look at some of his "policies". He promises to lighten the tax load. What does this mean? Well, no one can be sure, but the only way I think he's planning to do that is through insisting you pay with lighter currency. He promises to bring the military to new heights. Ya, right. Just like the Titanic brought us to new depths. Give us a break. And schooling? My goodness, let's not even go there! As you can see, the policies are as crummy as an Oreo on the highway.
Finally, there are the majority of you out there who don't care either way who gets into office and are planning to flip a coin the night of the election. To all of those I say this: Free McFlurries for everyone if I win!
Thank you and G'Day mate! (I am taking the time to acknowledge those with Australian heritage today. Please do the same and remember me on election night! If I'm for you, who's left to be against you?)