Campaign Speech #3:

Jeremiah For President
235 Hickman Rd.
Hickville, IA 50432

Dear Political Supporters,

       I would like to speak one more time about how bad the other candidates are. The following is a scratched speech of one of my competitors. We found it in the dumpster behind his office. It appears as if the popularity control personnel were not in favor of so much information being divulged to the general public. They wished for a little more of his policies to be left to the imagination in the minds of his voters.

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5-21-00
Gory Campaigns
White House Way, 30429

Dear Political Supporters:

       As a politician, I am a servant of the people and am relieved to find that there are others out there with the same views as me, and for that I thank you. However, in order for me to win, we need to convince others. Are we convincing others? Well, I think we can do better... a lot better. We could do so much better, it makes me sick just to think of how well we are doing now.
       I really would like to thank you for all the cookies you have been donating to put towards bake sales, but this election can't be won on bread alone. Quite frankly, this election can't be won on bread at all. So cut the cookies, will ya? We need money. As far as money goes, your donations have been lately lacking, right along with all your other areas. We need money to run vehement advertisements discriminating competitors in the other parties, not to mention all of the ones in my party. We need money to buy my lunches. We need money to bribe more voters. Let's cut to the quick-we need MONEY! There is one large benevolent figure I would like to recognize right now-that is Jimay Weewoo.
       Mr. Weewoo is a kind Chinese statesman who felt he should donate some money that he obtained after his wealthy grandmother passed away. He said she would have wanted it that way. I was touched, as I am sure all of you are as well. So, I got to thinking. How could I make it up to Mr. Weewoo ? I have decided that once I get into office that it would be only fair to lift economic sanctions and exchange our technology with China in order that they will further their ever-growing humanitarianism movements. Mr. Weewoo has also offered to help me make the U.S. government more like that of prosperous China. Why can't the rest of you be more generous like Mr. Weewoo? Well, you can. Even if you don't have 2 billion dollars from your deceased grandmother, you do have yourself. That's right, donate yourself. You can be used as walking billboards, stunt-men in commercials, campaign office toilet scrubbers, scandal cover-up personnel, and assistant baby kissers. Hey guys, it's either gonna be George, Jeremiah, or me, and we all know the two we don't want. I leave you with that.

                                                                         Mr. Gory
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       I hope this shocks you as much as did me. Don't get messy, take chances, and make mistakes - vote Jeremiah, unless you want to lose your Revolutionary War muskets, that is.

                                                                          Jeremiah